You want to help. You're not always sure how. Here's a good place to start.
What to Say and Do
Start by acknowledging her experience
You don't have to avoid talking about her mum. If she has lost someone important, hearing their name or having their memory acknowledged can sometimes feel comforting rather than upsetting.
You could say:
“I've been thinking about you and your mum.”
“I know you really wish your mum could be here for this.”
“I imagine becoming a mum without your own mum here brings up a lot of feelings.”
When she has just had a baby
The arrival of a baby can bring enormous happiness — and enormous grief. Try not to assume that because she has her own baby, she is no longer focused on her loss.
You could say:
“I imagine there are moments when you really wish your mum could be here.”
“I wish she could have met the baby too.”
“You must be feeling so many things at once.”
When you don't know what to say
Sometimes the most honest thing is the best thing.
Try:
“I don't know what to say, but I don't want to pretend this isn't difficult.”
“I'm sorry. I wish I knew how to make this easier.”
“You don't have to talk about it, but I'm here if you want to.”
“I don't have the right words, but I'm listening.”
What to Avoid
“At least…”
“At least she had a long life.”
“At least you had a good relationship.”
“At least she isn't suffering anymore.”
“At least you have your own family now.”
Even when well-intentioned, “at least” can make someone feel that their grief needs to be justified.
“She would want you to be happy.”
You may be trying to offer comfort, but she may not need to be reminded to be happy.
She is allowed to be happy and sad.
“You need to move on.”
There is no timetable for grief.
And moving forward with life does not mean leaving someone behind.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
Even if you have experienced your own loss, her relationship with her mother was unique.
Instead, try:
“I can't know exactly what this is like for you, but I'm here.”
“Don't make yourself upset.”
Talking about grief may be painful, but avoiding it doesn't make it disappear.
If she wants to talk, let her.
TMM is on a mission to make maternal care Grief-Aware™
Grief-Aware Care™ is a framework developed by Adina Belloli, Co-Founder of The Motherless Mothers charity and community.
Looking for more resources for Motherless Mothers?
